Oaf University

Mr. Z.Z. “The Tolerated”

2012-01-11T20:41:00.000-08:00

It is know the New Year and my computer has come back from its third repair trip to Texas (under warranty). I t still doesn’t like the touch of flesh on its keyboard, but … well it is in my house and I wait for it to pine for Texas once again.

Kindle Fire

2011-12-11T20:08:00.001-08:00

As Lord ZZ "The Tolerated"I am using my kindle to blog.With my computer in Texas for the third time (under warrenty) I thought I'd give it a go kindly.

Oop

2011-04-01T06:51:00.000-07:00

I sometimes find spelling mistakes in my old blog entries and dutifully fix them.

Lately though I have found that if I change spelling and grammar on an entry I get my paragraphs merged into one block of type.

So enjoy my:

wan't not want

or will not we'll

or even my

donates not donuts

Mr. ZZ's Ukulele songs and humor

2006-12-06T06:18:00.000-08:00

http://mrzzsukulelesongs.blogspot.com/

I started to do all my stuff at this blog so come on down.

I'm Stuck.

2006-07-16T20:19:00.000-07:00

And they all lived happily ever after somewhere else.

2006-06-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

Light Bulb Joke Book In Progress

2006-06-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

Hi, I have been very quiet lately, blog wise that is, but maybe it’s a good thing. I have been trying to write, along with my daughter’s help, a book of politically correct “How many ________ does it take to screw in a light bulb” jokes.

We have not been the most fun people to be around because of it. At this point we have about 54 light bulb jokes. To get the 54 jokes we had to make up about 2000 unusable jokes that would make jokes you grown at sound good.

I think that to finish the book we will need 1000 jokes and a publisher that will not try to kill himself halfway threw reading it.

We have done so many jokes that we now just say, “how many _____?” rather then saying the whole line.

The best place to makeup jokes is at a fast food place, it helps keep people away from your table that are annoying. You just got to drink soda while your doing it to get the motor mouth going in you.

Little ZZ junior tries his hand at it too, but Mrs. ZZ just sits there as if nothing is being said. The only comment that she ever does make and on rare occasions at that is, “Oh, you guys.”

Well, that’s it for now. I feel another joke coming on and I’m sure you don’t want to hear it, a matter of fact even I don’t want to hear it.

Sunday School

2006-04-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

Little ZZ Junior has a new Sunday school teacher and he seems to be doing very good in class. How ever I’m am none the less concerned with some of the work sheets that he is bringing home and the sparks that emanate from his finger tips.

* Pie *

2006-04-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

Uncle Who? And The Big Red Button

2006-03-16T15:03:00.000-08:00

I went to a book fair the other day and it just amazes me how many books there are that involve a kid not knowing that they had an uncle or great aunt. Now this is just plain weird, it makes me think that either the kids really don’t get out much or that the parents have communication problems.

Imagine how hard it must be for the kid when they have to do a family tree project for school. “ Well honey there’s ……um…ah… well your mother and you of course and your brother.” …Long pause…”O.k. then. Is that it?” Another uncomfortable pause, with a rather uncertain look on the child’s face they look down at her project. “Well maybe if I write really really big my teacher won’t notice the extreme lack of family I have.”

And then bum bum bum. “Oh by the way honey did we mention your um Uncle Smithers?” With one eyebrow raised the kid responds. “Now you’re telling me this? You know if you told me this sooner I wouldn’t have had to explain to my teacher why the words mom and dad took up 2/3ds of my project. Getting back on the subject, who is this um Uncle Smithers?” “Oh …just an old family relative.” The kid looking very astonished shouts. “I have a relative? Wow what’s he like? And why are you telling me this now?”

The parents pause then not having even the slightest clue how to stall they simply continue on with their conversation. “Any way we are going to a very business related place called Fun Fun and More Fun Amusement cough Park cough. They have very business hotels with a cough wide cough screen cough TV cough in every sweet, very business like and very boring, so we’ll be gone for a week.”

Within what seemed like milliseconds I was standing on the creaky front porch of my uncle Smithers. Without even looking back I could tell that my parents were already burning rubber while they sped away to the Fun Fun and More Fun Amusement Park. As I reached up to knock on the door I could faintly hear the Yaaaaaaaaah hooooooo of my dad yelling like a hillbilly out the sunroof of our car.

I could already tell that I was not going to like staying here because every time my fist hit the worn door I heard a deep menacing echo and then for what seemed like eternity the door inched open. Then I got impatient, “O.k. who ever is behind that door, are you thinking about opening or not!” “Sorry! Goodness” said a very friendly looking man who looked like he had had more then his fair share of little unsuspecting children’s happy meals, “I was just trying to build suspense.” “Yeah I’m all twitchy now let me in.”

The outside of the house looked weather beaten like it could be kicked over by a fly. But the inside was well um clean would be an understatement. I felt as if I had just walked onto the set of a Sci-Fi movie complete with the looming aroma of latex gloves and way to much Windex.

“So um ya thirsty?” “A little.” Without another word he reached over to a nearby radiator and grabbed a carton of lukewarm curdled milk. “ Help yourself.” He said tossing it over. “You first.” I said tossing it back. “NO I insist you go first besides I know where its been.” As the man left the room I put the milk carton back on the radiator.

Following the man out of the room being careful not to be heard I shouted “ hey Uncle Smithers! What do ya do for fun around here?” “ Oh, Well, if your that interested around this time I usually go and pick out the flies from the bowels of the vicious gut worm. Oh and don’t forget to leave your shoes by the door I hate a dirty floor.” Murmuring to myself I said, “could a fooled me.”

Stepping through a blinking portal looking thingy that was making some rather odd noises. I said “Hey um Uncle Smithers what was that thing that we just stepped through?” “Oh that’s my blinking portal looking thingy that makes some rather odd noises.” “ Oh no are we in some sort of strange new world? Should I start running like a scared kitten?” “No I just like watching it flash and make weird noises.”

As we further explored the house we passed a winding stair case and stopping I yelled, “Hey uh what’s up there?” Turning around menacingly he said “My room, which you are never to enter…under any circumstances.” Seeing the disturbed look on my face he giggled and said, “Follow me.” walking up the exact same staircase.

We reached the top of the staircase and I stood wide-eyed at the great door that stood in our way. “Let me just unlock it.” Reaching over to a hook rack that had a giant key ring with a single key he proceeded to kick the door down. Once on the other side he turned back and used the key to lock the door.

As the lights suddenly shot on I noticed that a crowd of the cutest looking bunnies had just grouped around me, with the biggest anime eyes you would ever hope to see. I reached down and said in baby talk, “Oh aren’t you guys just so precious.” Just as I was about to pet one they all smiled bearing teeth that were practically the size of each of their plump and fluffy heads. “ Heh heh excuse me I meant aren’t you guys just so mutant.” I said in the same baby voice.

Uncle Smithers began to show me more and more of his home. Occasionally I would look behind me and at least one of those lovely bunnies was following us but every time I tried to pet one It would bare its teeth and drool would slowly emanate from its mouth and it would get and evil look in it’s eye. A look that says “you look tasty.” Finally we came to an object under a sheet. “Hey what’s under this?” “I’ll explain it when you’re older.” “But I’m only staying for a week.” “Oh yeah right, um if I say it’s just a really big party hat will you be satisfied?” “That all depends, Is it a really big party hat?” “Um….Hey did I ever tell you about my growth?” With a fairly disturbed look I replied, “Lets keep walking.”

As we neared the end of our tour of the house I began to try to convince Uncle Smithers to let me see what was under the sheet. “Say uh Uncle Smithers you do know that I will eventually try to see what is under that sheet? Don’t you? And unless you tell me what it is I will go and find out. Which will lead to the pushing of buttons and flicking of switches until something significant happens. Even if that something significant just so happens to be a rift in the time space continuum resulting in the entire human race having tentacles instead of arms.”
Looking at me with that know-it-all look everybody eventually gets by an older sibling he said, “You say this like you know what is going to happen.” “Oh I do this sort of thing always happens in stories when a young individual goes to the house of a relative they didn’t even know existed. Strange it’s a lot like this.”

It took the rest of the night to persuade Uncle Smithers to let me see what was under the sheet. “Oh alright alright I’ll let you see it but don’t be surprised if your head turns into a potato.” “WHAT!” “I said don’t be surprised.” “I know what you said I heard you, would you rather I have said Oh my word.” “Oh that has a nice ring to it, would you mind.”

On the way back up to the strange object Uncle Smithers got the young girl into a lengthy conversation about potatoes. “You wouldn’t happen to be allergic to potatoes would you? By the way if I told you that you could eat nothing but potatoes for the rest of your life how would you respond?” And so on and so forth.

Finally entering the room that looked as if Uncle Smithers had prepared it for this very moment he mentioned, ”By the way If all the furnishings in the house begin to take on the appearance of potatoes simply scream.” “ Oh don’t worry you’ll be the first person to find out.”

With a quick flick of his wrist he wrenched the sheet off revealing his creation. I have never seen so many buttons and flashing light thingies in all my (quickly counts on fingers) one two thirteen years of living.

Imagine how many buttons there are on a computer keyboard now imagine sticking seven of those together and multiplying by 42 and that will give you a rough guess of the buttons on the left side of the machine.

I asked him “What is this thing? I don’t even know if it can be classified as a thing.” “Well I said I’d show you what it was I didn’t say I’d tell you what it was.” “This is to much.” Sitting down on what I thought was a red stool the contraption immediately sprung to life. That was a button. Go figure. And it wasn’t just any button it was a button that had a big sign over it that read ‘do not press under any circumstances’.

The machine began to slowly emit a sucking sound. “What is it?” “Oh Its my vacuum.” “A vacuum? That’s all this thing is? “Yes but not just any vacuum. It’s a self-propelled mechanical vacuum. For every room in the house.” “But why so many buttons?” “Hey I have a really big house!”

With a sigh of relief I leaned up against the already pushed big red button. “Whew that’s a relief, I thought something bad was going to happen.” “Oh yeah something bad is going to happen but uh um might I say you have very nice taste, you didn’t go for any old button you went right for the big red one.”

Suddenly the entire house began to shake tremendously. “What in the world is going on!” The girl screamed at the top of her lungs. “Oh Uh there’s something going on? I hadn’t noticed. Oh and by the way you do realize you turned on every vacuum in this house?” “That’s what I’m talking about.”

“Well you know I like a clean house. I’ve just never tried to vacuum every room at once before so if this works and we don’t die in the process you will have just circumnavigated the cough fatal cough flaw in my machine.” “So do you think we’ll live.” “Nope not a chance, care for some tea? I just happen to keep some in this closet but I’ve never actually been up high enough to reach it.” At this very moment the girl found herself up 10 feet in the air thanks to the gently wafting breezes of the psychotic sucking machine 10 feet below.

Thinking fast the girl clawed madly at both Uncle Smithers and the door to the closet eventually managing to get them inside. Slamming the door behind them she began to yell, “Why on earth would you put a closet half way up the wall?” “That’s where I built It I didn’t think I’d actually use it. I’m terribly British you know, but I don’t like tea.”

“Is there any way to turn it off?” “Well I could enter an algorithmic labyrinth of codes or I could just pull on the plug in the wall here.” “Lets try that plug thing you mentioned.” “Hey that might be crazy enough to work.” And it did the machine had begun to whir slower and slower until it finally stopped.

Opening the door to the closet we both began to throw tea bags out and on the spot where we guessed we would land. And it almost worked, I didn’t cry as long as I would have if there weren’t any tea bags to land on.

As we left the room the occasional bunny would plummet to the ground and land with a sickening thud that would make any veterinarian writhe.

The next few days were the strangest I have ever had. Uncle Smithers and I had button-pushing tournaments in which we would both go up to the not so mysterious machine and push buttons until our fingers hurt. And it was quite amusing to hear all the whizzes and pops the vacuum made and I loved watching the bunnies twitch at the very sight of the vacuum after the adventure we had had just a couple days ago.

The day for my parents to come and pick me up had finally come and Uncle Smithers and I were waiting on the front porch. “Hey uh Uncle Smithers what was all that stuff about potatoes you were talking about before we turned on the vacuum that first time?” “Oh that, well it seems there’s a side effect with that vacuum, I think it tears a whole in the very fabric of time. So much so that occasionally some objects of mine turn into potatoes. Not very often though usually its just mutant bunnies.”

As I pondered about what Uncle Smithers had just said I reached into my pocket to get my yoyo to pass the time, but when I pulled it out I found I was holding a potato.

The end?

The Dark Side Of Peeps

2006-02-16T21:09:00.000-08:00

Peeps are like vampires, they rise from their coffins.

Peeps are like witches; they are always in a coven,

but a coven of five.

My daughter’s teacher said,

2006-02-16T19:58:00.000-08:00

“It takes 20 minutes for your stomach to realize that it’s full.”

I was glad to find this out. Now I know to unwrap about fifty Twinkies before I start to eat and hope I beat the clock.

Radio Advertisement

2006-02-12T19:30:00.000-08:00

Are you homeless and living on the streets? Have you noticed even though you'er living in a cardboard box, yours is a three ply with seam seal, as everyone else in the alley settles for what ever box they can find – let alone your great view of the dumpster.

So when it comes to homeless shelters, you don’t want to settle for the ordinary.

Here at the Up Town Homeless Shelter we know what you want and won’t make you settle for next best. Our heat is set to a nice 64° and our lights out is at 9:05, a full 5 minutes longer then any other shelter in town. Our government surplus cheese is hand scraped, so you won’t have to get the mold off it yourself.

So hobble on down to the Up Town Homeless Shelter today for a more tasteful shelter, which fits your lifestyle as well as your lack of one.

The Up Town Homeless Shelter it’s just a cut above the bottom rung.

Peeps In Andy Warhol's Style

2006-02-09T07:19:00.000-08:00

Peeps!

2006-02-09T07:04:00.000-08:00

I went to the drug store and the Peeps were out already. I chose which ones I would buy very carefully. When I got them home I let them out of their box so they could adapt to their new surroundings. It was all over in a matter of seconds. I’m still trying to get the sugar stains off the table.

Dad Knows Everything

2006-02-04T20:19:00.000-08:00

Daughter ZZ this post needs to be made funny.

Nah...The title itself is comedy GOLD! Imagine, Dad knows everything...*snicker snicker* Hay Dad, what kind of tree is that white one over there?

Well, Daughter that’s a mighty white birch tree.

Is it a white birch because it’s white?

No, because that’s what the little sign says that’s under the tree.

Oh.

And wait... did you call me Daughter, isn't that...kind of implied?

Well yes Daughter, but English is a weird language. If someone was to read this conversation and I didn't say Daughter, they would have no idea, and this conversation would be mute.

Dad you say that like it's a bad thing.

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

2006-01-26T07:27:00.000-08:00

As soon as I hit my bed I could feel the gentle hands of sleep thrash me into slumber.

Horoscope

2006-01-26T07:20:00.000-08:00

Fine Dining

2006-01-22T19:02:00.000-08:00

If you’re having a fairly ambiguous meal at a fast food place why not make a soda surprise.

Just take your soda cup over to the soda fountain press every button and wave your cup under every jet of beverage that comes out. If you’re too young to read or just don’t care, you then go over to that coffee machine and shoot some of the brown liquid in also.

If your luck holds you might be able to slip it to your sister.

It’s called soda surprise after the inventor of the beverage said when drinking some, ”Yuuuggghhha! It’s a surprise I didn’t throw up!”

Animal Psychic

2006-01-22T18:54:00.000-08:00

I was watching TV last night when I stumbled on a show with an Animal Psychic telling their pet owners what the animal was thinking. I tried to see if I to had some psychic abilities with my pet cat.

I looked at my cat and found I could clearly hear what she was thinking.
“If you put food in my dish I will eat it.”
“If you drop food on the floor I will eat it.”
“If you want to learn how to eat I can show you.”
“If you don’t feed me I’ll kill you and eat you. You might even taste good – hay stranger things have happened.”
And with a vague gesturing with her paw, “Food goes in here.”

I gave her two cans of cat food that night I wanted to sleep well.

Ape

2006-01-22T18:49:00.000-08:00

Kiss the Baby

2006-01-22T18:45:00.000-08:00

Human babies are almost like dogs. Dogs pant and drool to keep cool. Babies fuss and drool to make moms think their cool. You’ve seen babies when they get going. They just slacken the jaw and let it flow.

You can also see the disappointment in their faces when only one nostril is dripping, but with a little well timed scrunch of the face, and exhale threw the nose voila both nostrils are in flow mode. Making for a very satisfied baby.

When babies are in this full facial flow mode, their moms will say, “Go ahead – kiss the baby.” No man wants to kiss the baby at this point. Yes, they’re grossed out, sure they know the mother will be offended if they don’t kiss the baby. But what is most on their minds is what medical facility will I have to go to if I get their disease.

On Oafs And Twerps

2006-01-15T20:14:00.000-08:00

How many?

2006-01-12T21:44:00.000-08:00

Posted by Mr. ZZ
How many disgruntled factory workers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they rather curse the darkness.

From Mr. ZZ
How low! If I was a disgruntled factory worker I would be mad. Well I guess I would already be mad? But you would make me so disgruntled – maybe it really wouldn’t mater after all. Kindly disregard this post.

Writing in General

2006-01-09T20:56:00.000-08:00

Writing is like talking telepathically. You don’t have to move your lips, your tongue could cleave to the top of your mouth, and still you get some message from your brain to another person.

Let's say I wanted to point out that anyone that is human has fear. It doesn’t matter what that fear is. Most people are afraid of different things, one fears knifes, others fear bombs, and some fear the unknown.

You might ask at this point, “What does that have to do with writing?” My point is this. Even though we are not in the same room, I can still write something about fear, and most likely start you too think about something you're afraid of.

Now if I did actually meet you on the street and say the same thing about fear to you, you would be to busy watching my big rubbery wet lips flab around to your great disgust to even hear what I said.

Writers Block

2006-01-09T04:34:00.000-08:00

Do you suffer from writers block? Why! Is it because you have nothing to say? Don’t worry it never stopped me from writing anything.

All writers block means is that you want something great to write about. Shipwrecks, wars, amazing plot twists, action galore, and heroes greater than any fiendish scoundrel. Another words something that you would be proud to be the writer of.

You should learn to have absolutely no fear of empty hopelessly put together content. For the most part people makeup their mind on any book or magazine by the cover art anyway. Also price is a big part of any purchase too – What! Ten bucks for a cheesy magazine, I don’t think so?

Besides for the most part most things people write will never reach the public market anyway. If you’re a professional writer and knew how to fix writers block you would never tell a soul – Who needs the competition?

My advice for writers block is to read the paper. Most made for TV movies do that anyway and for the most part are bad. So you can write better then a TV hack writer can't you?

If you got 42 green squiggle lines under text and your only in you're second paragraph, don’t worry your doing great.

Why Gentile Giant Didn't Hit It Big

2006-01-06T17:35:00.000-08:00

Forgotten Celebrity Endorsements - Part 2

2006-01-05T16:42:00.000-08:00

Video Games

2006-01-04T19:45:00.000-08:00

I use to play video games when they had joysticks with a button, flat cube like graphics, primitive beep like music, and never had characters talk.

Video games now use controllers that veritably exude with control things, graphics that can be seen in a 360° view, music so good that you can buy CD’s of the songs, and characters that before only Disney could make.

My Son can play for days sitting on the floor like Buda. I watch him play because now the games have stories better then TV shows.

But don’t ask me to play them; I just don’t have the patience. The video game system doesn’t even care if I win or not, but I do. I become a living example of poor sportsmanship. I can’t say what I want to with the kids around, which makes me even madder.

Because of my temper we have or own rating system for games.
· Small hole (Kick a small hole in the TV.)
· Big hole (Kick a big hole in the TV.)
· Wall Sticker. (Kick the TV in to the wall so hard it sticks there.)
· Hi there (Wave at my neighbor threw the hole the TV made flying threw the wall.)

Forgotten Celebrity Endorsements - Part 1

2006-01-04T15:23:00.000-08:00

Toilet Seat

2006-01-01T19:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we made the last purchase of 2005. We needed a new toilet seat. For some reason it seemed a fitting way to end the year, and the perfect start for the next year – kind of a gift that keeps on giving.

Mrs. ZZ and I went to the store and just found the aisle were they displayed them, when we ran into a couple from church. We said things about home improvement projects, but never told them what we were actually there for. I started to wonder if they were after the same item as we were and not wanting to say so like us, but they left and when they were out of sight we started our quest.

This one says it’s laminated; this one’s too big. How about that one way up there? I got a latter and got the toilet seat from up on high. It’s made of solid wood.

Great we made our choice, now how do you get it to the register, and maintain some dignity. It was easier then you might think. I just smiled and told everyone that I passed that it was for my elderly shut in neighbor.

Solitaire

2005-12-28T17:35:00.000-08:00

Win at solitaire anytime you want. Just save the following image and paste it on your background and yell I win.

press image to enlarge.

We got the tree up.

2005-12-24T12:17:00.000-08:00

The Cookie say

2005-12-24T04:27:00.000-08:00

Shhhh.

2005-12-24T04:21:00.000-08:00

Don’t tell Mrs. ZZ, but I got her a hammer dulcimer for Christmas. Sadly I won’t be giving it to her though. I tried it out last night with my hammer. They sure don’t make things like they use to – dumb thing broke right off the bat.

Good News!

2005-12-19T19:28:00.000-08:00

Chief Oaf!
You might want to return that old tank of yours? They got one at Amazon that just might blow its doors off literally. And some of the reviews are great.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00067F1CE/sr=1-5/qid=1105684487/ref=sr_1_5/102-6148542-6292115?_encoding=UTF8&v=glance

Pain

2005-12-16T06:26:00.000-08:00

When you go to the dentist don’t talk about politics or religion. Either might anger him and he is in a position to give you pain in payment for things you’ve said.

Most people I know don’t know anything about politics anyway even if they think they do.

Many people have a religion (as do I), but the dentist might belong to some bazaar religion that worships the god Zentaarrrkk. The god of everything that begins with the letter P and this would be unsettling to me to have some loon in my mouth.

Lastly don’t bite the dentist. This is a sure fire way to get added pain. On my last visit to the dentist I thought he had taken his hand out of my mouth and did actually bite him. I apologized a lot and he said, “That’s okay I’m sure it was an accident. Now where is that old rusty drill?”

To Mr. ZZ

2005-12-15T14:09:00.000-08:00

Mr. ZZ

Your posts remind me of the stories you used to tell while we were all waiting for you to putt.

Make a Better Blog

2005-12-15T04:10:00.000-08:00

I sometimes look randomly at others blogs. I found two types that I think would be more interesting if merged together. They are the cutesy young girl sights and the politically aware sights. The young girls like bright colors and cute pictures and at times lack something to say. The politically aware sights have plenty to say, but sometimes don’t have a lot of pictures, or bright colors.

So if they worked together you would get something kind of like this.

…thus ends my 5000 word summation of why Washington politics are a quagmire. I hope you liked the pictures of pink bunnies.

Mail People

2005-12-14T11:33:00.000-08:00

You can’t say mailman any more, you say mail person to denote a sexless statement about the mail carrier. Okay, not very earth shattering, I could accept this little bit of politically correctness if it wasn’t for one very miner flaw, and that is this: mailman is two syllables long and mail person is three syllables long.

I would like to suggest a different way of having sexless titles. Replace man with or and er, and add it to the word. Just like in the sexless job titles of governor or lawyer. You don’t hear anyone refer to the governor as a governess or a lawyer as a lawyerness.

Best of all English teachers will love it. Because you have to learn when to use or and er. So let me see, is it mailer or mailor? Is it fireer or fireor? I can see tears of joy already in their little teacher eyes – or is that teachor?

Cell Phones

2005-12-14T10:44:00.000-08:00

When some people are in their car and an ad comes on the radio they no longer change the channel, but press speed dial. Because of cell phones many people have become other people's drive time entertainment. Yes, you can become an interactive entertainment for some ones commute to work. When they get to their destination, your job is done, and for the moment let go.

Because of cell phones people are no longer really any where totally when their some where. No longer is there silence at cash register lines, but one sided spirited laughter and heated arguments with invisible people. In the past such behavior would have meant that person was crazy. If you are behind them in line the cashier has to say everything twice because they don’t hear it the first time.

People that are annoying have yet another way to drive people crazy. Rather then a little beep when they get a call they have some loud totally out of the ordinary ring that is sure to stop everyone near them from talking in alarm, so they can say hello with no background noise.

Cell phones have also become the new cigarette. Near doors where smokers use to congregate stand the phoners talking in a murmur of tones.

Then there are the I’m at phoners. I’m at Bob’s Pizza, I’m eating a piece with extra cheese, I’m having a diet Coke – with ice. Suddenly everything they do becomes a journalistic event worth attention. But there is one thing I have yet to see. Someone in a fast food restaurant saying there having caviar at the Ritz. It seems people love to revel in the mundane.

Radio

2005-12-12T20:18:00.000-08:00

Hi, and welcome back to WIHS.

Today we’re doing a special salute to rock bands from down under. Yes those beloved Australian bands of the early seventies that became such an important part of rock music.

Today we have in the studio John Lendhim from the band The Hopper.
It’s really great to have you here in the studio today. I must admit that at that time in music I was only four years old and know very little about it.
So John can you tell us a little about yourself?

Why, sure, that I can. Me mates would write a song and I would contribute me own solos ya know. We did some recording, but it was our live shows that were the most memorable. Ya see I played the electric dingo. Once you plug them in they can be a little testy, but when you start to stretch them you can get a lot of different sounds from them, along with many a small flesh wound, that’s how I got this beauty by the way.

It’s not as easy to play the electric dingo as many might think. For one thing you can never get the same sounds from every dingo and they’re even harder to hold after you’ve played them once.

And if you say to someone, “Can you hand me my dingo?” they won’t do it, they’ll ask you about your mental health they will.

When you need a new dingo and you go to the pen to pick one out, they tend to go to the back of the pen and look at ya kind of big eyed. You can’t just try one like you can a guitar in a music shop, its more catch as catch can ya see.

You can’t smash your instruments at the end of a show like The Who did. Even if the law allowed it. They can still run amuck ya see.

(The interview ended at this point by a long period of dead air. Then a song by The Carpenters started to play.)

The Oaf University Cheer

2005-12-12T03:03:00.000-08:00

Forget the boolah-boolah

Oaf U

Just give us lots of moolah

Oaf U

Lugging loam beneath the stars

Oaf U

Oh few universities are quite like ours

Oaf U

We work up an awful sweat

Oaf U

Luggin' with the oafly crew

Oaf U

When folks get a whiff of us

Oaf U

They retch and say "Oh Phew!"

Oaf U

How to Worry About Everything

2005-12-11T09:19:00.000-08:00

Yes life can be hectic and at times the pace of it can be over whelming. Things that you mean to do get set aside for the things you have to do. So sometimes you just don’t have the time to worry about everything. Hopefully with my few short suggestions you can increase you worry time significantly.

1. No matter how great a worrier you are you can’t worry about everything. You are human and finite. So realistically you can’t worry about everything. You can only worry about things you understand or think you understand.

2. I find that it is easier to worry about things as I am doing them. I don’t have to set aside special times to worry, or check lists to see if I forgot anything. Some things I don’t do daily, so they get less worry time.

3. Don’t try to fix things you worry about. If for some strange reason you were actually able to fix a problem you worry about, it leads to worry if your fix will work. If it does work you then start to wonder if it just fixed the worry short term, or long term. If you actually have fixed the worry now you wonder if you should tell others of your great find. So in short trying to fix your worries only adds to them, and will impact the quality of your worry time.

Hopefully with these three short suggestions you will be on your way to worry filled life, that has an ulcer in it.

If Walmart And Target Merge

2005-12-10T18:32:00.000-08:00

Christmas

2005-12-10T07:07:00.000-08:00

Sure everyone wants something great for Christmas, but sometimes what you really need is something hand made. My kids have just the thing for you this year and some of the family has these great gifts to look forward too.

The pigmy scarf is our first offering for the yuletide season and a great accessory for those formal family functions.

Next is a lovely paperweight to keep your extra money from blowing away. Notice the dollar signs on the eyes to denote its function.

Of course for the ladies what better present is there than jewelry. This is a non-necklace and non-bracelet that you can hold in your hand.

And for the computer user in the family, why not this extremely real looking paper web. Yes Christmas is shaping up to be a great one for some lucky relatives this year and a very cheap one too.

http://www.customsigngenerator.com/fortune.asp

2005-12-09T17:25:00.000-08:00

Short Scary Story

2005-12-09T17:06:00.000-08:00

It was a dark and stormy night when our car broke down in the middle of nowhere. My girlfriend said that she could see a light in the distance. Maybe we could walk there and call for help.

It’s Christmas Again and Time to Set Up Holiday Ornaments.

2005-12-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

It was a?

2005-12-08T17:32:00.000-08:00

It was a dark and stormy night has become a cliché for bad writing. But someone had to come up with it. I can picture them at their desk pondering.

It was raining and dim. No, it was drizzling out and gloomy, No that won’t do either. It was a dark and stormy night - yes that’s it.

And what thanks does he get for his effort? He gets to become known as the person that made the classic example of bad writing.

Hay Bob is that him? Is that that dark and stormy night guy?
Ya, that’s him he couldn’t write himself out of a paper bag.

It’s one thing to actually do something bad and beheld in contempt but quite another to try to do something good and still beheld in contempt.

But I’m thankful for that guy. Just as long as I don’t use that line in anything I write I can stink, but not as bad as him.

Best left untitled ....

2005-12-08T16:37:00.000-08:00

The Wiseman

2005-12-07T19:05:00.000-08:00

I went to an old Wiseman to seek his counsel. “Oh possessor of the keys of knowledge, what path in life should I take? I know there are many ways to take in life, but only one that is worthy. Tell me what direction I should take,” I said.

He razed his ancient head and smiled at me and said, “Come and sit at the feet of your master young grasshopper and rest in peace for the time of knowledge is at hand.” I did as he bid me to do and sat next to him at the fire.

The journey was long to his place of shelter, and my mussels were weary. As he started to talk he closed his eyes and tilted his head skywards. His voice took on a monotone type of chant as he told me of the path in life.

I quickly fell asleep and heard nothing of what he said. When I awoke I found that he was saying, “For time is the tide that washes us all. Your race is great, but the total of it will bring you what you run for in love.” At this point he lowered his head, opened his eyes and looked at me.

Every part of my brain wanted to tell him that I missed what he said, but I just couldn’t do it. He walked me to his door, hugged me, and sent me on my way. When the door shut and locked I noticed that my wallet was missing.

In reply to: Rant number 78

2005-12-06T16:29:00.000-08:00

I know what you mean. It use to be when you turned something on a little red LED would come on to tell you that it was on. Now a little red LED comes on to tell you that it is off. I have a sub woofer with a amp in it. You can’t turn it off. Only if it decides your not using it will it turn off. So I randomly hear it go thump to tell me that it’s done with me.

Rant number 78

2005-12-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

Nothing can be turned off anymore. No longer are there switches which actually disconnect the power. Instead, pressing the "Off" button just puts the television or cell phone to sleep, simulating a state of "offishness". But the gadget is nor really off. It sits there listening to everything going on around it, running it's little programs, plotting and calculating, waiting for the signal to pretend to be "on" again.

You can always pull the plug. But they hate it when you do that. When you plug them back in they yell and blink at you. They get cranky and make your life miserable so that you won't do that again. And, sometimes they are still alive even when you pull the plug. They shut down their life support systems to a bare minimum and grimly wait you out. I think the switches should have four positions: ON, OFF, VERY OFF, and DEAD AS A DOORNAIL. That way you have a little more say in the matter.

Also I want a helicopter in my garage.

Pets

2005-12-06T07:12:00.000-08:00

Many people say, “You can learn a lot about life from your pets.” They even start blogs with pictures and delightful little stories about their pets. I wanted to do the same thing.

Life is like my pet cat. Life smacks you in the face at 5 in the morning every morning with demands that must be met. Life revolves around an endless cycle of eating and begging. And what’s your reword for all this, kitty litter.

Also avoid water at all cost, and take tongue baths.

Chief Oaf Buys Vehicle, Makes Movie

2005-12-05T15:26:00.000-08:00

Design A Cereal Box At pbskids.org

2005-12-04T21:12:00.000-08:00

Oops!

2005-12-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

Bob jumped in to the foxhole with gunfire all around. He strapped his helmet tighter and started to return fire towards the muzzle flashes he saw in the distance. Hoping his ammo would hold out he gritted his teeth with sweat pouring down his brow.

Then he heard the sickening sound of bullets hitting their mark. Nearby was the crumpled shape of a comrade obscured in the mist. “Dave…Dave, they got Dave,” Bob yield! With out a thought for himself, he jumped out of the foxhole in to the firefight. He grabbed his buddy and dragged him back to the hole.

Safely back in the foxhole he turned the wounded soldier face up. Bob stared wild-eyed in to the face of the other soldier and said, “Your…your not Dave!” Dumbfounded he continued to say, “I…I risked my life for you?”

So the next time you make a mistake don’t be so hard on yourself, you just might have saved someone’s life.

Easter Fun

2005-12-04T18:23:00.000-08:00

I know it’s not Easter, but when it is I like to buy marshmallow Peeps to eat. I just love them, but I also like to torture them before I eat them. My kids just love it when I do this. I talk ever so nice to the first Peep and tell it how pretty it looks and how happy I am to meet it. I then tell it that I want to give it a kiss and when I ask if that would be ok, I have it nod yes. I then make a kiss face and when I get it to my lips I bite its little head off, in full few of the other Peeps. I then have the other Peeps try to run away and bring them to my mouth with my hand trembling to make them look scared. Sometimes I like to add ghoulish laughter as I masticate their little marshmallow bodies. This also keeps my kids up late at night with nightmares and makes then run in terror when Grandma tries to kiss them.

Chief Oaf Ponders New Vehicle Purchase

2005-12-04T13:42:00.000-08:00

He likes the look and styling of the new Hummer H7.
"Hmmm...", he thinks, "good protection from the dreaded stick wack, and if I bang my head hard enough on the metal, I probably won't hear the twerp whistes either".
"Looks like it can pull a nice wagonload of loam too..."

When Good Candy Takes Up Stripping

2005-12-03T20:49:00.000-08:00

Thinking

2005-12-03T14:16:00.000-08:00

Last night I was trying to figure out how old I would be if I were me when strangely I was hit with an odd idea. Maybe, just maybe I could prove that the Pope was Catholic mathematically. Now let me see Pope squared times Catholic would equal hmm?, Kind of like x2*y = z? Then with great excitement it came to me like a small voice in my head saying, “No! You got nothing!” What a relief, all the lectures I would have to speak at, all the papers I would have to write. Sometimes the best things in life are when you find your limits and stick to them.

Everybody Sing

2005-12-02T17:14:00.000-08:00

In reply to ZZ's comment in previous post

2005-12-02T17:05:00.000-08:00

Yes! I remember Carnal Sanders! He was in a famous movie back in the early 70's, I have the soundtrack on CD.

Gravestones of the Not-So-Distant Future

2005-12-02T15:58:00.000-08:00

Now you can own the software that Leonardo de Vinci used.

2005-12-02T08:18:00.000-08:00

Being developed in 1590 it is copyright free. Yes handcrafted by the old master it was lovingly made to his high standards.

You don’t have to settle for some new fangled operating system like Microsoft when you can have the best of old world technology.

Leonardo Ware Version VX is more than anyone should need to make a catalog of their hand carvings and painting notes. When you get use to the semaphore flag code your internet connection will almost be as fast as a one eyed monkey typing a great American novel.

$17.99 and worth ever cent not the dollars but the cents.

The Pirates Life

2005-12-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

Hi the Captain has asked me to talk to the crew and find out how many of you are new to the life of piracy, can I have a show of hands. Hi, hi, welcome aboard our ship The Crimson Scourge of DEATH.
I hope that your new life of killing for plunder is a satisfying one as well as rewarding. We will be boarding the victims ship soon for gutting and plunder.
Because Captain Pippin be below deck right now I thought it might be a good time to tell ya that this being a pirate ship, there are very few rules, but there is one. Don’t make fun of the captains war cry.
Now moving on,…oh what yes Johnson I saw your hand up? Do you have a question? Why don’t make fun of the captains war cry?
Have you meet Incredible Mutilated Joe yet?. What,…no that wasn’t always his nickname, it use to be Pretty Boy.
Oh here comes Captain Pippin now.

Eye lads we be going into battle soon,
And many of you won’t be comin’ back alive,
But for those of you that make it threw the fray,
There be great rewards for your villainous ways.
So are you with me men?
Follow me boys! Ledal ledal llleeeeee!!!!

Shortly afterwards up in heaven Saint Peter gets some new visitors at the pearly gates, some sailors from the plundered ship.

Hi Saint Peter. Ya, ya, we were killed, in a mighty sea battle with pirates.
What…did we put up a good fight? Ya, ya, ya,…ah…no.
What…who were the pirates? They we The Sea Rats of,…ah The Blood Killers,…ah Pippin and his Marry Band.
But it was the war cry that did us in,…so terrifying,…ah so blood curdling…ah stupid ya stupid.
What…well you try to put up a valiant last-ditch stand against pirates when your doubled over in laughter.

When Good Candy Goes Bad

2005-12-01T18:10:00.000-08:00

Why You Can’t Put Metal in a Microwave Oven

2005-12-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

(Best said out loud after you clear your throat.).

The sparks started to dance in a novel manner while the arching flashes made an unholy conflagration, sending the children to running around the room with their arms up flung, adding their yelling to the already menacing sounds emitting from the common household appliance.

Soon smoke belches from the outlet in an alarming manner that seems to hint at deeper troubles to come.

The microwave does a troubling dance with its glass now darkening. From this din I can hear my wife screaming something about what the pea brain has done now and I quickly blame the cat.

The house suddenly darkens as the main power trips off. All is suddenly quiet.

Shady Online Company!

2005-12-01T04:33:00.000-08:00

A shady online company has deceived me. I was looking at their merchandise and found what I thought would be a great item. It was simply called a pellet gun. As a person that for years has raised rabbits, you can imagine my excitement. Finally something I can do with all that scat.

I waited for weeks for it to come. At long last it arrived. With trembling hands I opened the box only to find it wasn’t what I thought it would be at all. It stated quite plainly at this point that it required a type of metal (that I don’t care to advertise for at this point) and this metal was to be in pellet form! It seemed a minor set back at the time, but when my rabbits started to die from this metal being feed to them I then realized how I had been duped.

How Many______ Does It Take?

2005-11-30T15:02:00.000-08:00

Posted by Mr. ZZ
How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One but it has to be in the script.

From Mr. ZZ
A POX ON YOU AND YOUR HOUSE HOLD! SUCH INSULTS AGAINST ACTORS MAKES ME WANT TO HURL INSULTS IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION AS WELL! SO HERE I GO! IT IS OBVIOUS TO ME THAT YOUR LEFT BUT CHECK IS BOYISH AND YOU SMELL OF GOSLINGS. Hope to see you soon and say hi to your wife for me.

2005-11-30T14:50:00.000-08:00

Mr ZZ and Frog Porn

How nice it would be to be a frog, for porn would be a less shameful thing. Books, magazines, and PG Movies could hereafter show egg clumped together in high grass to their hearts content. Center folds of big round eggs, dreamy music videos with lots and lots of high grass in small ponds with their frog eggs on a fly filled evening. But you could never call another guy a good well you know.

2005-11-30T14:39:00.000-08:00

Mr ZZ and the Big Bang Theory

The big bang is much like eating too much pie with a shovel. When it becomes so compressed that it no longer can be contained under such pressure you in a metaphorical way create a new universe, if not a messier one. However I take exception to it being called the big bang for if space is a vacuum, no noise would be made. Though with that much volume you still might get a vvvooop or something smaller for such a fast expanse of material. However why is it called the big bang theory? With all the gases that would be released from such a re-conflagration why not call it the big toot?

Mr ZZ's Universal form

2005-11-30T05:34:00.000-08:00

Check Boxes

I have a bike: I have a car:

I have your bike: I have your car:

Chinese Electricity Guitars

2005-11-29T13:58:00.000-08:00

This is a typical description from one of several current auctions for electric guitars on EBay. The guitar in question - a gold-colored doubleneck 6/12 - looks pretty good, but I'm not so sure it's "hand craved"...

As you know, the Chinese has long history around the world. You can see this item was carved very wonderful. This item was craved all by hand, so wonderful item ! It is a typical artware of that time. And it is very important and significance for investigating the old chinese culture. if you win it you will get good lucky. it is very wonderful. It is in good condition, no crack and no chip. Look at the pictures you can see the shape is very well. If you are Chinese antiques collector, please do not miss so better chance to get it. Enjoying your bidding!

Mark B: Send me the link so I can see this thing

B.H.D. : Subject: superexcellent very famed particular electric guitar

http://cgi.ebay.com/superexcellent-very-famed-particular-electric-guitar_W0QQitemZ7370184776QQcategoryZ2384QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

or if you prefer a world name plat attractiv fair-sounding electric guitar:

http://cgi.ebay.com/world-name-plat-attractiv-fair-sounding-electric-guitar_W0QQitemZ7370135071QQcategoryZ2384QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Mark B: Very nice, but the shipping is 390 GBP. That translates to around $500 US.

B.H.D. : Does it come with a free Egg Roll?

Mark B: No egg-roll, but it is delivered on a rickshaw.

B.H.D. : That explains the $500 shipping charge. They have to come across the Pacific Ocean with it.

Mr. ZZ asks

2005-11-29T12:20:00.000-08:00

You’re trapped in a well with a goat and a slinky. Describe how you will escape.

Wow! A goat and a slinky! Why on earth would I want to escape? But if I had to escape I would say to the goat,” I want to go home now and watch the radio.” Most goats would not get it but not this goat he would start to laugh and this would break the tension. We would then step out of the well for we would find that it was very shallow. We would both go or own ways, but no one would ever see the slinky again.

New life for old jokes

2005-11-29T07:38:00.000-08:00

There is an old joke that goes as follows,
” How many ________ does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
In the past the blank would be a nationality that made it less then politicaly correct.
In this version the blank is either a
1. Animal or a
2. Type of occupation.
3. Also the answer has to be one but, or none but.
4. Lastly you then lambaste yourself as if you were someone else that was very upset with your overtly shameless joke.

Posted by Mr.ZZ
How many male bunnies does it take to screw in a light bulb? One but he will have to make a hundred stops on the way.

From Mr. ZZ
HOW DARE YOU PICK ON MALE BUNNIES! THIS JOKE MAKES ME MAD!
I ONCE AT A MEAL OF RABBIT AND WAS ANNOID ALL THE TIME I ATE IT! YOU SHOULD BE ENNEXED FROM THE HUMAN RACE. Other then that I laughed and told three friends the very same joke.

Posted by Mr.ZZ
How many cooks does it take to screw in a light bulb? One but it has to be in a refrigerator.

From Mr. ZZ
YOU HAVE A LOT OF NERVE PICKING ON COOKS! AS IF YOU DON’T EAT ANYTHING. I ONCE HAD A MEAL OF RABBIT AND WAS ANNOID ALL THE TIME I ATE IT! IF I WAS A COOK AND KNEW WHAT A LIGHT BULB WAS I WOULD BE INRAGED BY WHAT YOU THINK IS A HARMLESS BIT OF FUN!

Behind the microphones at the 05 Daz Concert at the East Hartland Firehouse

2005-11-22T13:25:00.000-08:00

Historic meeting of Grant and Lee at Appomattox

2005-11-18T15:57:00.000-08:00

Dictionary Game

2005-11-18T13:41:00.000-08:00

EXTRA! Recent archeological digs in my drawers have unearthed this dictionary game definition by the mysterious Mr. S.

2005-11-17T19:21:00.000-08:00

And now ladies and gentlemen, an example of what can be accomplished with three great minds working in perfect harmony:

Oops, I think these minds have gone bad ...

How to legally change your name

2005-11-17T14:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Judge Roberts:

Congratulations on your appointment as Chief Justice of the United States.

I was wondering - as I am one of the few unfortunate fellows to have the first name of "Bozo", is it still a requirement to go through the court system to get it changed? It has been a lifelong embarrassment to have a first name like this and I am anxious to change it to something more conventional.

Best regards and honk-honk,

Mr. Bozo Oom-Pah-Pah
West Zeppelinheim, South Dakota

Dear Bozo:

Sure! Just fill out this form:

As you can see things are really changing here at theSupreme Court (or Supercourt as I like to call it). If you need anything else don't hesitate to call.

Sincerely,
Judge Bobs

Cartoons for Carpenters

2005-11-17T14:45:00.000-08:00

Oaf University now in session!

2005-11-16T19:18:00.000-08:00

Here begins the internet version of the Oaf University Notebook.
May Twerps have mercy on our souls.

In the beginning, Dennis and Scott created this:

Oaf University

Mr. Z.Z. “The Tolerated”

Kindle Fire

Oop

Mr. ZZ's Ukulele songs and humor

I'm Stuck.

And they all lived happily ever after somewhere else.

Light Bulb Joke Book In Progress

Sunday School

*** Pie ***

Uncle Who? And The Big Red Button

The Dark Side Of Peeps

My daughter’s teacher said,

Radio Advertisement

Peeps In Andy Warhol's Style

Peeps!

Dad Knows Everything

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Horoscope

Fine Dining

Animal Psychic

Ape

Kiss the Baby

On Oafs And Twerps

How many?

Writing in General

Writers Block

Why Gentile Giant Didn't Hit It Big

Forgotten Celebrity Endorsements - Part 2

Video Games

Forgotten Celebrity Endorsements - Part 1

Toilet Seat

Solitaire

We got the tree up.

The Cookie say

Shhhh.

Good News!

Pain

To Mr. ZZ

Make a Better Blog

Mail People

Cell Phones

Radio

The Oaf University Cheer

How to Worry About Everything

If Walmart And Target Merge

Christmas

http://www.customsigngenerator.com/fortune.asp

Short Scary Story

It’s Christmas Again and Time to Set Up Holiday Ornaments.

It was a?

Best left untitled ....

The Wiseman

In reply to: Rant number 78

Rant number 78

Pets

Chief Oaf Buys Vehicle, Makes Movie

Design A Cereal Box At pbskids.org

Oops!

Easter Fun

Chief Oaf Ponders New Vehicle Purchase

When Good Candy Takes Up Stripping

Thinking

Everybody Sing

In reply to ZZ's comment in previous post

Gravestones of the Not-So-Distant Future

Now you can own the software that Leonardo de Vinci used.

The Pirates Life

When Good Candy Goes Bad

Why You Can’t Put Metal in a Microwave Oven

Shady Online Company!

How Many______ Does It Take?

Mr ZZ's Universal form

Chinese Electricity Guitars

Mr. ZZ asks

New life for old jokes

Behind the microphones at the 05 Daz Concert at the East Hartland Firehouse

Historic meeting of Grant and Lee at Appomattox

Dictionary Game

How to legally change your name

* Pie *